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Author Topic: A useful guide to metals  (Read 1147 times)
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Rebel Poster
Posts: 802

« on: 17 December, 2016, 11:27:06 AM »

As I'm relatively new to this car restoration business I thought I'd polish (!) up my knowledge of metals.  I found this on the internet - so it must be accurate.

A quick guide to metals
BRASS is a very useful sort of metal. It is mined in Yorkshire, and is said to occur wherever there is muck. Out of Brass we make Monkeys, Knobs and Money.
NICKEL is the sort of metal used for making American money.
LEAD is a very heavy sort of metal, used mainly for making the middle of pencils and poisonous paint for children's toys. It is also used for roofing churches which last for hundreds of years because the heavy Lead stops them blowing away.
STEEL is what people do to the Lead on church roofs.
ALUMINUM is a very light sort of metal, often used for supporting chimneys. Specially shaped hooks called Aerials anchor the chimney to the sky and stop it blowing away. They also attract lightning which is made from electricity, which is what makes television work. Aluminum is obtained from milk where it floats to the surface forming a skin.
WIRE is a very thin sort of metal. It is often used for making fences because it is so thin you can see right through it.
MERCURY is a very runny sort of metal, often confused with water. It has the remarkable property of getting longer when it gets hot and is thus ideal for making thermometers. Scientists are trying to reverse this effect, i.e. making the Mercury get hot when it gets longer in order to solve the world’s energy problems.
IRON is a very flat sort of metal, used for taking small creases out of shirts and for putting big ones in. Another sort of Iron can be used for gluing bits of Wire together.
RUST is a very crumbly sort of metal, ideal for making Motor Cars.
CHROME is a very shiny sort of metal, used for holding Rust together.
COPPER is a dark blue variety of metal, used as an inert filler for Panda Cars and Football Grounds.
TUNGSTON, SODIUM and STRONTIUM are light sorts of metal. Tungston grows from bulbs, Sodium grows on long stalks at the side of the road. Strontium is not as light at Sodium and Tungsten and only glows feebly in the dark. Fitted to a watch it enables you to tell what time the lights went out.
BARIUM is an edible sort of metal, fed only to hospital patients suffering from transparency.
GOLD is a very soft sort of metal, much too soft to be of any use.
MAGNET is a very attractive sort of metal, which always points north. This special property makes it ideal for propelling ships.
URANIUM is a very hot sort of metal containing little gadgets called Atoms. This unique property makes it suitable for manufacturing electricity and other kinds of explosives.
SILVER paper is an alloy of metal and cardboard, widely used in the packaging industry.
PLATINlUM and OSMIUM are sorts of metal used for making pens, while INDIUM is a form of metal used for making ink.
ZINC is a zort of metal used for washing Potz and Panz.
TITANIUM is a very strong sort of metal used to reinforce ladies undergarments.

Norm Thomas
Ormskirk, Lancashire

1973 Fulvia S2 Coupe
Previous Lancias: S2 Coupe and S3 Coupe in late 1970s
Permanent resident
Posts: 6053

« Reply #1 on: 18 December, 2016, 12:04:56 AM »

I must say you have a perfect grasp of the salient points.
You did however miss out one I frequently come across, unobtainium , which is used for the parts you always want urgently.
No doubt others can add their own favourites to your list.
8227 Cool

Own 1966 Fulvia 2C Berlina since 1997, back on road 11-1999.Known as "Fay"
2006 Renault Megane 1 5 Dci Sports Tourer
Dedra Technical Adviser
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